I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
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me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Posting this on behalf of a friend
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show