Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
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Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
How to make infinite energy.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.