Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
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Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Are you ok, human???
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew