“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
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Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
#TopTip
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…