@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
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I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”