I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
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I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
crying
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood