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A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.