[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
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Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Not now. I’m deglazing.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
The Others (2001)