B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
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just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.