“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
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Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]