I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
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Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*