The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
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Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing