A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
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It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.