[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
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To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people