You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
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accurate
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.