it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
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My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Nothing to do, you say?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.