If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
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If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*