What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
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Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.