When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
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Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Squirrels before girls.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.