She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
You Might Also Like
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.