Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
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Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
A classic…
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies