Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
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Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
It was worth a shot 😂
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Danger is very dangerous
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.