No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
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If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.