Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
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Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.