If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
You Might Also Like
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?