If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
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I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Put the is in disheveled
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.