Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
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me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.