Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
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friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
i think my razor is having a panic attack
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.