I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
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Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?