My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
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This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Krampus.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.