My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
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Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.