Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
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Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby