Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
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EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that鈥檚 a Fruit Loop
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Hot hot hot 馃サ
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Before you react, just know that everyone鈥檚 is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave鈥檚 out back punching a hornet鈥檚 nest. Monica鈥檚 wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It鈥檚 absolute chaos.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It鈥檚 been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Me: I think you鈥檙e going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I鈥檓 a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Never let them know your next move 馃槀
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can鈥檛 eat
me: airplanes
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 馃槈
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.