ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
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“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
they really do be looking like this
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood