Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
you’re so productive for your wage
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.