If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Google reviews are always so mixed..
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body