It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
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Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
How did we not see this back then?
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza: