Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
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as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
#Caturday
Thick as shit.