[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
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No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
that wasn’t the question
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Feel. He’s so soft.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”