I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
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During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Geez man, take it easy.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Finally! 😈
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
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What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life