If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
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Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr