Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
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Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?