If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
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my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why