I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
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Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.