Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
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I was bored.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.