[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
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I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My blood type is coffee.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective