What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
handsome & gretel
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.