mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again