I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
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[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
honestly, i need both:
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.