I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
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“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
When libraries troll their patrons.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?